The RN: Afraid of Sex ... Wait ... What!?

Hold on, what did I just say? It must have been a long week, I'm clearly not thinking straight.

Let me back up a little bit and start over. Last time I talked about being scared to date. I started digging into that a bit more. First thing off the bat? I don't like having to tell people no, especially if I have to get blunt about it. This is hard for me. Probably because I don't have well defined boundaries ... makes note to self - work on defining boundaries better ... at all. Still that's not the core of the issue. We've all seen that when push comes to shove, I'll shove your ass right out of my life.

And, truthfully, I've spent months if not years working on saying no when I don't want to do things. I feel like that's not the whole story. I decided to dig deeper - I found my shovel and kept digging. I find it harder to draw boundaries and say no in dating situations then in other situations. Hm, that's something to consider ... what's different about dating?

There must be something else down here. Photo Credit

Well, sex is different about dating. Maybe I'm afraid of sex ... nope, that's not it. (Seriously, have you even read this blog?) Sorry, must recover from the laughing. Okay, it's not the sex. On the other hand, I'm still very reluctant to enter into a relationship where sex is on the table ... am I afraid of my own sexuality? Nope, that doesn't fit either. I am completely comfortable with my own sexuality. I know what I like and what I don't like. I'm not afraid to experiment a little (or a lot) if I'm comfortable with my partner.

Where does that leave me? I'm not afraid of myself; it's the uncomfortable interactions with other people ... ah ha, there it is: I'm afraid of uncomfortable with other people's reactions to my sexuality. Very frequently when I get into a dating situation, the guy I'm involved with gets ... clingy and annoying and is WAY more into me than I am into him. I touched on this earlier this year. I also came to this conclusion right before my therapy session the other week. Guess what we talked about nearly the whole time?

Photo Credit

So where does that leave me? I'm not sure; like, really, I have no idea. But I feel like it's better to have finally started to get to the root of the problem. Although, now that I'm starting to look around down here, I might need some Roundup.

The RN: Getting to the Core of the Issue

It's still September, right? Oops ...

I've been doing a lot of thinking about why I haven't wanted to date lately. Besides just me inevitably talking to jerks. After a bit of thought, I've come to the conclusion that I'm burying my head in the sand. Somewhat ironically, I realized this while reading about personal finance (my latest nerd hobby). I was reading and came across a line about how no matter how much you try to avoid your finances, it doesn't change how much money you owe or how much you have saved. My reaction was, "Of course, not! Hiding doesn't change reality."

And I then realized, that's what I have been doing, hiding. I've been hiding from dating because I don't want to deal with the reality of it. Upon realizing this, I am now forced to acknowledge I have still have boundary issues. I have totally been working on my boundaries, trying make myself healthier, but I realize I still have some work to do.

I was talking with my therapist last week (yep, still in therapy), and she was asking me about dating and such. She asked, "what do you want? We've talked a lot about what you don't want, but what do you want?" And that, ladies and gentlemen, is starting to scratch the surface of the real problem. I have no idea what I want. I have no idea what a healthy relationship looks like or feels like. I have no idea how to set my boundaries.

No wonder I have boundary issues. Photo Credit

Now, some of my frustration is starting to make sense to me. If you don't know where you want the line to be, you don't know where the line is currently, and you don't know what the line looks like, it's really hard to ensure others don't cross the line. But, sticking my head in the sand by avoiding dating isn't going to help me find and define my line. Still not sure this is enough to get me back out there just yet, but it's enough to get me started thinking about it again. The same person who told me I didn't have to offer friendship also told me the best thing to do for myself was to get out there and practice dating and practice telling people no. She's not wrong, but I'm not looking forward to this part ... at all.

Dang, I was rather enjoying this view. Photo Credit

Well, they say admitting you have a problem is the first step. Step 1: ✓ Now, I'm going to have to figure out why I've been hiding so I can start working on those issues. No need to worry if my therapist will lose me as client any time soon.