The RN: It Turns Out ... I'm Still Jaded

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I've been terrible lately about blogging. Even just once a month. Excuses, excuses, excuses, you've heard them all before.

Now, where were we? Oh yes, we left off at the movie date. Never heard from the guy again. Didn't really expect to or want to honestly. I think it was likely just not a match on either side. No harm, no foul.

I went on another first date. I met him at my normally scheduled Tuesday night out-of-the-house activity. And I don't know if that was a good thing or not. We met and then a few weeks later we left at the same time and ended up on the corner talking for like 3 hours. At least I didn't have to worry about getting to know him. The next day he messaged me to see if I wanted to go to dinner. I had randomly worked from home that day and was getting a little restless in the house, so I said sure.

Wednesday:
We had a really good dinner and neither of us was really ready for the evening to end, so instead of looking up places open later than the restaurant and hanging out some more, like anyone in their right mind would have done, I let him talk me into coming back to my place. (I know, you don't have lecture me on why this is a bad idea, I already know. And it will become abundantly clear in this blog why this was bad idea.) I wasn't specifically uncomfortable with him being there, or any of the making out (I said making out, you all know I would admit to having sex) that happened, but somehow I still ended the night a bit giddy and a lot annoyed.

I would like to point out it is not attractive to be super self-conscious about what is happening. I get it; it had been a while for him and he was nervous. I understand; it has been a while for me too. This was the first guy I had even so much as kissed in almost 2 years. (Ugh, that sounds like forever.)

I was probably avoiding this for too long.

The first couple few times he said it, I was fine with it. By the time it got to like the tenth time he mentioned it had a been a while, I was starting to get irritated. Like, "I already heard you the last 15 times, please shut up, right now!" irritated. This is, in essence, telling me you think I think you're bad at this. I don't, or at least I didn't until you started telling me I should. This was super unattractive and I had more than enough of it by the end of the night.

I was tired and ready for him to leave well before he left. I was ready for him to go so I could go to bed and he's like, "let's start kissing again." When I finally convinced him I needed him to go so I go to bed, I asked, as I would ask anyone leaving my place after having been there a while, if he had his phone, wallet, and keys. To which he responded, "Are you trying to make sure I don't come back?" I was speechless. 1) WTF? Is leaving and then coming back even a thing? 2) Yes! DO NOT come back! I have just told you I'm tired and I'm going to bed. How rude can you get? You think your need to spend another 5, 10, 15 min with me is more important than me sleeping? 3) It's 2 o'clock in the fucking morning I have 5 ¾ hours before I have to be up and at the gym. 4) GET THE FUCK OUT! 5) Why are you still here? I wanted you to leave like forever ago.

My front door does NOT look like this.

I took a deep breath, reminded myself not to be rude, and said, "I am about to pass out. Once you leave you won't be able to wake me up to get your stuff." Which was as polite I could get and no where near the yelling at him that I was doing in my head. Then, he tries to kiss me like another 500 times. Which, frankly, just pissed me off more at this point. Then, then, he fucking says, "I don't always pick up on social cues, but it seems like maybe you don't want me to leave." I seriously almost lost it at this point. But I took another deep breath and said, "No, I really need to sleep, so you have to go." Then I practically pushed him out the door. People, do not do this! Do not make me get overly blunt to get you to leave, just GTFO.

Maybe this is just my problem. Maybe other people play games about saying you should go when they want you to stay, or whatever. But I don't. And maybe it's unfair of me to judge him for not knowing me well enough, but this is a terrible game. When I say leave, you should leave. If anyone is playing a game where you say leave and you don't mean leave; STOP PLAYING IT RIGHT NOW! You're making it horrible for the rest of us. Maybe my mom's idea of rude verse polite is far too nice these days and people aren't picking on my polite ways of telling them to go.

Okay, deep breath. Even after all that I was still pretty giddy when I went to sleep that night. Looking back, I wasn't really happy with how much he pushed that night, but it I was still high on hormones when I went to bed. And, then ... then he proceeded to get himself added to the creepy list.

What? Not everyone has a Minecraft© sized box of Creepers?
Photo Credit

Sir, I'm going to need you to calm down. I get there's NRE and you're excited, but no, this is not anywhere near calm. First let me start with saying, I thought I was very clear I didn't want or need anyone to take care of me. I don't want someone checking up on me all the time; it makes me feel smothered. I understand many girls (and guys) think this is sweet and crave that kind of attention. I am not one of them. Second, I do not check my phone while I'm at work. I get that is also not normal, but it is what it is. If I don't check my phone for my mom (hi, mom) when she texts me, I'm certainly not checking for some guy I've been out with once.

Thursday:
He texted me in the middle of afternoon on Thursday to see if he "was the only one distracted from work today." Um, I'm kind of glad I didn't this text right away, because my gut reaction was, "Yes." I was tired; I didn't get enough sleep the night before, because someone wouldn't leave my house. And also, I compartmentalize my life pretty well. I don't really allow myself to swoon over anyone while I'm at work. I need to think about and concentrate on my work. Now this alone didn't put him in the afore mentioned Creeper Box. He also texted me the minute I got home (pretty sure this timing was a coincidence) asking if he could come over and see me again. Dude, I already essentially said no to this when I said I might be able to get together again Sunday. At least to me, this would imply Sunday is the first day I can see you again. And since it was such a chore for me to get him out the door the night before, I really didn't want to deal with that again on top of everything else.

Busy, can't talk. Definitely can't swoon.

Friday:
Next he invited me to happy hour with "all his friends" on Friday. Dude, we have been on one date, I'm totally not ready to meet your friends. I'm going to pause here a second, because this one really bothered me. This is an important distinction: I want to meet your friends because you are excited about me meeting them, not because you want to show me off to them. Yes, he actually used those words at one point. When you want to show me off to them, you are treating me like a trophy; "Look, here's what I won." I am a person; you didn't win me. You're not a great hunter for having "captured me." This make me feel like I don't matter. This is about you showing off to your friends. This is not something nice people do; this is something Nice Guys do. I want to meet your friends when you are interested in seeing how these two parts of your life fit together. I want to be part of what works in your life and you're nervous about how this meeting is going to go. If you are showing me off, I'm not what's important; impressing your friends is what's important. Nobody likes to feel like that. I think the best way I have heard this described is, "You like the idea of me more than you like me."

Saturday:
I was watching football with some friends. I wasn't ready to call this a total loss yet, so I texted him and asked how his happy hour had gone. We chatted back and forth, I talked about my 10 mile race the next day and I mentioned my quads were sore from my personal trainer on Thursday morning. So, he immediately went into problem solving mode. Which I get is a guy thing, but I was just making small talk. He sends me an article about why runners might have sore quads; keep in mind I had already said I was sore from my PT on Thursday, my legs were not sore from running. (P.S. I later realized my PT intentionally worked my quads on Thursday so I wouldn't push myself during the 10 miler, since I had a half marathon the next weekend. Sneaky bastard, I'm on to him now.) Next, he offers to come over and massage my quads. At this point I starting asking the people watching football with me if I'm being crazy or if this is too much. General consensus? It's too much after only having had one date. Okay, good to know; I'm not alone in my thinking. I feel like this was a ploy to 1) get back into my house, and 2) get his hands back on me in an "oops, I didn't mean to try stick my fingers in your vagina" kind of way. This is where my BACK THE FUCK OFF really started to kick in. I find it hard to believe the making out we did 3 days earlier was so amazing he's now desperate to get his hands back on me. I'm more than willing to believe he hadn't made out with anyone in a long time and just wanted to get his hands back on someone and he thought since we just had, I'd still be willing. And that's where he lost me. Maybe because I'm just that jaded.

Jaded Dragon, Jaded Dater

So, I talked to him the following Tuesday and said we had to slow things way down. And he said he was fine with that. And then, I really think this is all me here, I kept feeling pressure to spend time with him. I finally sent him a text (because I didn't think it was fair to drag it out any longer and I didn't want to see him again that week) saying I couldn't date him. We could be friends, if he wanted, but I wasn't as emotionally ready to date I thought I was and all I could offer was friendship. And then he asked me to dinner and wine the next night. I was like OMG! And he's already invited me to a party at his friend's house in December. Don't worry, I'm not going. I don't want to make it awkward (probably it's too late for that because he's made it awkward for me), but at this point all I really want to do is see him at the regularly scheduled Tuesday night out-of-the-house activity, and that's all. I haven't exactly said it that plainly to him, but I realize whatever it is he wants, I can't give it to him.

I was hoping my first real foray back into dating would have been a little more smooth, but this seems like par for my course. So, clearly I have another first date with a different guy on Thursday. Everybody wish me good luck.

The RN: Dating Again?

Let me start with, "Sorry I've been so bad about writing blogs lately." July and August were insane:

• High-school reunion, on the other side of the country
• Talked my sister into her first 5K, yay me!
• Spent nearly two-weeks moving
• The PoolBoy and I were roommates for 8 years, the last 6 of which we were in the same place. There were far too many tangled ownership issues - we literally forgot who owned what.
• And my parents came to help, thank goodness I needed the extra hands
• Had surgery (maybe more on this later), mom stayed for this too
• PoolBoy and I spent nearly two weeks visiting a former roommate in Australia and New Zealand

So, it's been a little busy the last 6-7 weeks around here. And blogging got lost in the shuffle. Sorry.

Apparently, I have officially started dating again. I went on a first date last weekend. It was ... alright. I think I'm out of practice. So I met him at a Happy Hour/Birthday Bar Crawl thing the weekend before through a Meetup group I joined recently. It was the Meetup Organizer's birthday and he turned the normal Thursday Happy Hour into a Saturday Bar Crawl for his birthday. Perfectly normal thing to do.

Happy Hour, Bar Crawl, same difference.

The Date (he's too new to have a nickname yet) and I talked a bit at a couple of the bars on the crawl were he indicated his interest and I said sure I'd go on a date with him. But I didn't really think anything of it, I mean not every guy I talk to actually gets a hold of me for a date. Plus we all know I'm not usually thinking about being date-able, especially lately. Since, I had been back from Australia for all of 14 hours, I only went to three of the bars and then headed home. This also lead to him being a ... bit more intoxicated than I was. So I really wasn't sure how serious he was about the whole thing. I didn't give him my number, not because I wouldn't have, but because he never actually asked me for it. Although I will allow for the fact it seemed at least half the people at the bar crawl thought I couldn't possibly leave that early. Surprise, I don't stay out later than I want to, even if the means leaving at 6pm on Saturday. It's one of my new take-care-of-yourself policies, don't do things I don't want to do/leave when I'm no longer having a good time.

The point being, he probably thought he had more time to ask for my number. Nonetheless, the following Sunday (8 days later, not the next day) he messages me via Meetup to see if I wanted to see a movie. Feeling a little tired of unpacking and organizing, I was fine going even with the short notice. And I do mean short notice, I had approximately 7 minutes to get ready and leave my house to not be late. In case you were wondering, I was 3 minutes late, but he had built in a 15 min buffer so everything was fine.

I was really close to being on time.

Here's the thing, I didn't really mind the last minute "can you do something?" But, I didn't really get ... anything out of the date. Let me explain. We drove separately, met at the theater, didn't get any snacks (Boo! At the movies and no popcorn), went to our seats, watched a movie, and then left in separate cars. We had maybe 10 minutes of talking at our seats before the loud ads started for the movie. So ... like ... I didn't really get to know him any better in any meaningful way. I mean he picked a good movie to see. I was laughing out loud ... a lot. I enjoyed seeing the movie, but ... without any conversation the date didn't do anything to help me get to know him. So, it kind of felt like it was ... useless. If we had lunch after the movie or something, then we would have had a chance to talk and maybe get to know each other better ... or something.

So basically this date did nothing to help me decide either he's awesome and I want to spend more time with him or he's creepy, annoying, enraging, or whatever and I don't want to spend more time with him. Like I said it was kind of pointless as a date. I got to see a good movie, but, you know. I guess if he asks me out for second date I'll go if it's not seeing a movie without any other plans. Because while seeing a movie on his dime is nice, it doesn't seem right to go keep seeing movies and not know if I like him or not.

The whole thing just seems weird to me. Maybe I really am that out of practice, but how am I supposed to decide if I like him, if I'm not getting to know him?

The RN: Participation Trophy Temper Tantrums

I generally try not to be political and I try to stick to topics at least partially related to dating. You know, since that's what we started this blog to talk about. But, well, let's face it, my dating life recently (does 2 years count as recently?) has been a little lack luster. So today I'm going to get a ... little political. Hopefully not boring political, but political nonetheless.

First, I'd like to state my heart goes out to all the victims, those close to them, and their losses in the stories I am about to talk about.

Photo Credit

I'm noticing a ... trend in ... a lot of headlines lately. Someone is always shooting up something and killing a lot of people. And to me (maybe these are just the stories I remember) it seem as though many of these shootings have to do with young men (stereotype, I know) shooting up people because they didn't get their way. Girls won't sleep with you? Shoot them up. Don't like your job? Shoot them up. Don't want to do your job? Shoot them up. Paranoid the police are watching you? Shoot them up. Family won't give you the bible you want? Shoot them up. Wish you were Batman? Go to a theater, and shoot them up. Don't want to be gay? Go to the club, and shoot them up. Columbine, Sandy Hook, Northern Illinois University, Virginia Tech, the list goes on.

My intention here is not to be callous about any of these events. Merely to point out how many of them there are. Did a single one of you need to look up the list at the end? While these events have started some important conversations in our country, and made us all look at things in a hard light, I can't help but think, these incidents all seem to stem from one person feeling like another person, or group, was not giving said person enough ... respect, opportunity, sex, you name it.

I'm reminded of a two-year-old's temper tantrum in a grocery store, "BUT, I WANT THE CANDY BAR! YOU CAN'T SAY NO TO ME! IT'S NOT FAIR! I SHOULD GET IT BECAUSE I WANT IT; I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO WAIT FOR YOU TO WANT TO GIVE IT TO ME! I EARNED IT JUST BY WANTING IT!" (Hello? Stanford rapist, anyone?) I'm not sure if there is a common root to all this violence, but I don't see how rewarding people for showing up, having a "ceremony" for graduating every grade, and having a free, trophy girl at the end of every video game level can help.

Real life doesn't work that way. You don't get a promotion and raise for showing up to your job every day. You don't even get a promotion and raise for doing your job well everyday. You have to show the company you are worth more than they are paying you. Do your job so well the company is concerned you'll decide to work somewhere else, and they reward you to keep you working there. You have to work for it and you have to earn it. Just showing up is not enough in real life.

A graduation "ceremony" at every grade level ceases to be a ceremony:

ceremony (n): the ritual observances and procedures performed at grand and formal occasions.

When you do it every year, no one thinks it's grand; it's normal. Nothing happening that often is treated as formal; it's run-of-the-mill, everyday ... the same. You're not making every year special; you're making no year special. You are teaching us as a society we should be rewarded for showing up. Not for giving our best, not for truly accomplishing something, just for showing up. And then the harsh reality of life outside of school sets in ... and no one is prepared. No one has been told, "No." No one has learned how to deal with disappointment, failure, other people ... their own emotions. It's quite sad, to have been so cruel as to take away the ability to live life by cushioning every blow. Real life is mean ... and wonderful.

In the real world, girls (pardon the CIS-gender perspective here) don't just fall into your lap because you jumped over the lava and beat the dragon. (I'll always be a Mario fan.) We are complex creatures in our own right. We also have hopes and dreams and goals we're trying to accomplish. We have our own lava to jump over and our own dragons to beat. We are not your prize; you are not our prize. We won't sleep with you just because you showed up. You have to earn our affection. Don't try to take our controller away (OMG, this analogy is never ending ... sorry ... kind of), we want to jump over our own lava and beat our own dragons. We like the challenge. We like the sense of accomplishment, just like you do. Want to start a 2-player game? Now you're talking.

Working together? I can get behind that.

The RN: Shower Talk

I recently had a conversation about showering with some friends. I know I had the same conversation about 1000 years ago with The DLS and The SD. What started the conversation was the impression when girls say they're going to rinse off, we didn't actually mean shower. We just sort of stood there in the shower and then turned it off and got out, no soap involved.

Of course, it took a little while for DLS and I to stop laughing. We then explained girls have different terms for showering based on context. If you are talking to a girl about her showering you can find clues about how she wants you to think about her.

DLS and I agreed (along with most girls I've talked to about this) you never tell a guy you're going to go "take a shower" unless you want him to think about you naked. There's probably exceptions for brothers and fathers here, but I'm not 100% on that being true all the time. My best guess as to why this happens is because showering is the term men use. They think about themselves in the shower and how good the water feels on their nakedness and then they think of you in the shower being naked. Possibly thinking of soap or shampoo dripping down your body. P.S. You're welcome for the imagery.

When I say "take a shower," this is what I assume you're thinking.

When we don't want you think about us naked, we use one of two(ish) terms to give you an idea of how long we are going to be. The first is usually "I have to wash my hair" or maybe "I need to shave my legs." These are designed to make men think about the boring, long task of washing hair; the socially acceptable blow off of "having to wash my hair"; the giant pile of bottles they know women have in their showers; and/or hairy legs. None of which are sexy, most of which make men roll their eyes. Now they're thinking of "women's beauty chores" and not your naked body, viola!

Much better, if you aren't interested, for him to think of these.

The other thing(s) we say is we're "going to go rinse off," or, I've also heard, "I'm going to run through the shower." This means we're going to wash our bodies and probably our face, but not wash our hair and not shave our legs. This is the fastest version of showering that women do. It usually takes between 5 and 10 minutes and is basically what guys do in their normal routine, minus the wiping shampoo over the top of their heads. This wording is meant to make you think we'll right back and nothing serious is happening. Apparently, it also has the side effect of making guys wonder how you shower without using soap.

Just a quick rinse.

I definitely like to use soap in my showers. I don't think I'm up for trying any of this no soap stuff. I must admit to being a little intrigued about this whole body regulation theory though.

The RN: The Hair of the Leg

Lately, I seem to keep hearing the same question about leg shaving: the whole thing or just below the knee? I've heard it on the radio, I've seen it on Facebook, there are countless articles and blogs about it.

Just a bit of difference there. Photo Credit

So, when my mom (hi, mom) taught me to shave my legs, she taught me to shave only below the knee. I think I was like 11 or 12 at the time. I quickly realized I have very light blonde hair on my legs and shaving took more time than I wanted to spend on something when you couldn't really tell the difference. Even now, some 20+ years later, you can't really see my leg hair when I get lazy and don't shave. It's more obvious now than it was when I was younger since I spend less time in the sun so it's not quite as light.

Then life happened. I must have been about 16 at the time. My high-school boyfriend and I were discussing leg shaving. My point was, "No one can see it, why should I spend the time?" We weren't very ... physical yet, so it wasn't really a big thing (what part of late bloomer didn't you pick up on?). One of our other friends overheard our conversation and chimed in with, "Oh, I always thought girls shaved their legs because it felt nicer when guys were running their hands up them." Wait. What? This is what I get for being friends with football players.

But, I actually think this sums up the whole discussion quite nicely. In general, the hair above the knee is much lighter than the hair below the knee. So, girls who shave only below the knee are shaving for appearances. They shave so people don't see their leg hair. While girls who shave their entire legs, generally shave for the feel. They shave so people don't feel their leg hair.

I guess it's a preference for if you care about how people see you or how people feel you ... up.

The RN: I'm Engaged!

I met the most fantastic guy and we've had a fast and hot romance. Last night he asked me to marry him and I said yes!

What a pretty ring. Photo Credit

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HAHAHAHA! Did you really fall for that?!?

Photo Credit

The RN: Compliments?

Somewhat recently I had someone tell me essentially he didn't really like spending time with me, but he really wanted to fuck me. First of all, how is this acceptable to say someone? What did it sound like in his head, that he thought he should actually say this outloud to anyone?

Is this actually how we're talking these days?

The truly unfortunate part of this whole thing is I think he truly thought he was paying me a compliment. This whole a woman is only worth her fuckability is really starting to get old.

Maybe I just need to meet and get know more guys who are better people.