The RN: For Love or Lust

I realized something the other week. I finally realized why I got mad at all those guys and cut everyone off. Why I cut myself off. Why I have been on break for so long; not that the break is exactly over. It's pretty simple really; I'm kind of surprised just how long it took me to realize.

I may want to be touched, but I don't want to be used. I no longer want to be someone you call when you want to get your dick wet. Sure, it was fun at the time I was doing it, but now I want something different. I definitely went through a phase where I needed to rebuild my confidence in my ... sexiness, I guess. I wanted to be lusted after. I wanted to be the one guys wanted to sleep with. I wanted to be wanted. Even if it was only for the night.

But that's not who I am any more. I am in a different place. A healthier place? Maybe, but different to be sure. Here's the rub though, I'm not sure I'm ready to start dating. I wouldn't mind going out on a date here and there, but I don't think I'm ready for the kind of serious dating it would take to get to the kind of touching I want. I still have concerns about how well I would handle being in even a semi-serious relationship.

I want something someone new in my life. Someone who cares for me. Like, actually cares, not just looking for some fun. But, I'm also terrified of getting there.