The RN: Expectations

It seems like there are so many expectations around us everyday. And many of them revolve around dating and finding "the one". Lately it seems like a lot of my expectations are ... wrong? ... not quite right? ... off?

First, I expect most guys I know aren't assholes. However, it seems like the asshole hat has been going around lately. There's my so-called-friends hitting on me in the most awkward ways. My friends are just that - friends, not friends with benefits. Just plain, old friends. PJ Guy keeps sending me the most random emails. Like I need advice on how to run my life. Or my interests line up with his in anything more than in general ways.

I do not want to be your extra-marital affair! Ew! Just stop! I had to block PJ Guy on Google Chat even though I'm on there less than once a week. Every time I logged in he pounces on me with some random topic I was supposed to care about. And he still sends me emails with lists of links. Like I have time to read all that crap. I actually do have life and I don't need your advice on what I should be doing with my life. All under the guise of "I thought you might be interested in ..." Why?!? Why did you think I'd be interested in the stuff you are? Also, hello! Passive-aggressive much? I am perfectly capable of living my own life. I can make my own choices, even you don't think they are the right ones. It's my life - I get to make the choices. And I choose not to spend any time with you. I do not want to be involved with this:

I have enough drama in my life as it is. I don't really think I need to mention how my expectations for my recent dates have been off. Gems is well Gems. He's texted a few more times with things like: "Drinking?" and "Are you alive?" Well, yes, I am, but as far you are concerned maybe not. At least I have started to expect him to behave like that.

CT on the other hand, has always been ... well, nice to me. Until last week. I know it's just a small thing, but I really wasn't expecting it from him. We were texting last Thursday and he was trying to convince me to go over there. But thing is, I was tired, hungry, and I had laundry to do. Which I told him, then he came back with "You can do your laundry an hour later." Well, yes, I can, but I'm pretty sure it won't just be an hour. Plus I was hungry and he doesn't have food I can eat. (Long story, short: he's basically a vegetarian and I'm allergic to most vegetables.) We went back and forth a few more times and then, BAM!, he hits me with, "You don't need everything you own for [tomorrow] just one outfit. You are a drama queen." Apparently this is me:

As I was telling a few people (The Slow Dancer, The Dirty Little Secret, and The Window Shopper to name a few), they all burst out laughing. Because here's the thing: I'm not actually a Drama Queen. Don't get me wrong, I have my moments of drama - we all do. But in general I don't make more out of a situation than needs to be made. Yeah, I'm still a little miffed about this one. It actually really hurt my feelings that my having a life and things to do other than going over to his place was enough to insight name calling. Also he never comes to me, so I'm always the one who has to spend the time to get to him.

And I got in a fight with The Ex last week too. He was being a jerk. Sending me pictures of movies he knows scare me. In the middle of the night. After I told him I was trying to go to sleep. Like I said a jerk. I told him to knock it off or I'd stop talking to him. Then, when I stopped talking to him because he didn't stop, he comes back with, "Wow! You weren't kidding about not talking to me anymore." Well no shit! That's what I said. So I responded with, "We're not dating anymore - I don't have to put up with [you] being mean." Then, of course, he starts texting me pictures of the dog I had to leave with him. So course I looked and had to start talking to him again. Sigh. He really does know me that well.

Then there's this: I don't where I'm going in life anymore. The PoolBoy and I were talking about buying houses and growing up (like we both aren't in our mid 30s). I realized I don't know what I want out of life or a relationship anymore. Do I want to spend my life alone or in short term relationships? No. But I don't know where I see myself in 5 years. I know I can't keep living like I do now, I'll wear myself out. But will I be in a serious relationship? Will I be married? Will I still be hanging out with people younger than me acting like I'm their age? I just don't know. When I was younger, I thought I'd be married and maybe have kids by now - see how things change? at one point I thought I wanted kids, now I don't even want a dog because it would disrupt my life too much. I have no idea what I want out of life right now. So, how am I supposed to get there if I don't know where there is?

Excellent question; I have no answer ... for now.

The RN: Creepers

I seemed to have entered the creep zone somehow. I touched on some of it in my last blog with some of creepy behavior from some of my so-called friends. It seems like the last couple of months have had a high creep factor.

First Gems - still being creepy. The one and two word text messages continue. My lack of response also continues. I mean really? You can't put together more than a few words? The clear lack of effort and continued expectation that I should respond by putting out are tiring. I mean really, put a little effort into it. Or not. If you don't, I won't.

Next Pajama Guy - you met him last blog as the second example of the Awkward Friend. After that ridiculousness in the airport, he continued to text me craziness for the next week. I think the most annoying was the "Chirp-chirp" texts he sent in the mornings. Which were poorly timed "wake-up calls" usually arriving after I'd already gone to work. Here's what he thought would be a good idea to send me:

• Tuesday's Wake-Up Texts
• Chirp-chirp
• Welcome a New Day with a smile on your lips and Good Thoughts in your Heart. Have a great day!
• Wednesday's Wake-Up Texts
• Chirp-chirp
• Breath
• Let go
• And remind yourself that this very moment is the only one you know you have for sure. Good morning.

Not super creepy in the content, but really I don't even talk/text/chat with my best friends on daily basis. Why would I want to talk to him on a daily basis?!? And these are clearly more than someone who is a work friend should be sending. It wasn't as much what he was sending as it was that he was sending daily texts every morning. I felt like a toy he had found at the back of his closet and wanted to play with again. 

Except I'm not a toy, and he doesn't ever get to play with me. 

1. I don't mess around with people from work. Period. 
2. Ew, no! He's not my type.
3. Double, triple, ick - he's married ... with kids!
4. Even the thought of it makes my head hurt worse than a saw in my skull.

Since, I found myself surrounded by creeps, I decided to slow down my dating again. I know, I know, I haven't really been doing any lately. But, as I've said before, I'm tired of the short, short game. This did, however, still leave me the opportunity for a first date. He was a friend of an old friend of The Dirty Little Secret.

We had actually met last November, and he had commented on wanting to take me out. But he didn't follow through. So when we ran into each other again a few days ago I gave him a second chance, and a lot of flack about not following though last time. This time we did manage to go out on our first date and then ... nothing. I thought it went pretty well, but he never called or texted. I texted him a couple times, but to no response.

I don't know how exactly that makes me feel. Part of me wants to think there's hope since I thought the date went well. The rest of me is sad the first thing that felt like it might have a chance to be something more than a short game fell off after one date. I can't really complain about him not responding since that's what I'm doing with Gems and Pajama Guy. But I do abide by the Double Text Rule. I sent one text two days later and one text a week after the date. With no response, I know better than to send another.

Sigh. Oh well.