The DLS: Hope Springs...A Trap

This morning while putting pen to paper for my own peace of mind - a thing I do to sort out the whirling dervish in my head - I curiously found myself writing a blog-like entry instead...I debated voicing these thoughts semi-publicly given their subject matter. Perhaps this is more human nature than a secret, but in some ways I am deeply private and it takes a certain courage to say: Dirty Little Secret #6: Sometimes I have pretty dark/deep/self-deprecating thoughts. Things so easy to think yet hard to say aloud for fear they might become real. The words of that voice in your head - let's call it Iago - that makes you doubt yourself...and others. Usually I am good at telling Iago to "fuck off," but sometimes I lose that battle and give in to all the "truths" it tells me.

I have been alone for a LOOONNNGGGG time, and (spoiler alert: until recently) I haven't met someone even slightly inspiring in the LOOOOOOONGEST time. Normally, this bothers me little or not at all, but every once in a while, I have some spark that triggers an internal meltdown, releasing all the unspeakable things. For one, I miss My Ex, or at least I miss the idea of us - the laughter, good plans, great sex. He was in some ways my greatest joy, yet the catalyst of some of my deepest sorrows - we don't work, we won't work. Yet, I haven't felt things like I did with him...probably ever since. I rarely meet people who make me look twice, and I KNOW when someone is special;.it's a palpable gut feeling, but that still doesn't mean things will work out. Men roll off me like water off a duck...

Recently a blip popped up on RADAR I thought was busted from the last crash and burn in my love/social life. I hardly noticed the blip, but then it was right in the center screen, blinking bright green, impossible to ignore. Outside factors and complications aside, the more I learned about him the more I wanted to ask and know. And the chemistry is/was off the charts - head spinning, can't think straight let alone at all, giddy "love" drunkenness - yet he hasn't really followed through...like most men I've encountered for the last couple years. And this spark, this ember, this hope I didn't want was brought to life to die, in all likelihood, before even being fully born.

It doesn't seem fair - I know, I know, life by default isn't, but still - I was fine on my own, this is always when guys pop up, and now I just can't help wonder "what if?" One can argue "If it's meant to be, it'll work out," and this is my overall philosophy - when I can push Iago aside - but it's hard to have one night, a glimpse and then nothing...well, a few text convos and likely empty promises, so next to nothing. I think of things I would have done differently - orgasm? yes, please; stay the night? absolutely. I wonder if he's just that busy, if I did something wrong or if there really IS something inherently wrong with me..."unlovable" whispers Iago.  A thought that haunts me from time to time, an Achilles heel of pain.

One of my favorite movies, Shawshank Redemption, captures the essence perfectly: "Hope is a dangerous thing. Hope can drive a man insane." Or in other words: Hope is a tease...a trap. Mainly because we need hope to be able to dare to risk all and do great things, to hang in when times are tough or we're stuck in life's doldrums. I know many of my single friends share similar frustrations and sentiments - The Window Shopper and I have discussed this in-depth on more than one occasion, in fact she wrote about it eloquently, yet briefly in her personal blog. The crazy, weird, maybe even obvious thing is, they're fabulous. WE'RE fabulous, flaws and all. We're single because we know it's worth waiting for our "lobsters." We're not waiting for someone(s) to complete us, we're learning to be whole ourselves first and hoping - there's that nasty word again - that we'll find someone(s) to join us on our grand adventures. Like romping around with complete abandon on a playground in near total darkness after dancing like a fool all night at the beach bar. I hope I never outgrow that lust for life...

Deep thoughts, 
By The DLS

The RN: Must be a Full Moon

"This month's full moon, which rises on Tuesday (Aug. 20), is not just a Blue Moon — it's also the Full Sturgeon Moon, the Full Red Moon, the Green Corn Moon and the Grain Moon."
   - The Huffington Post

My only thought when reading the post was, "Well at least I was right it being a full moon this week." Here is it only Wednesday and I have had three (yes three) guys message me about hooking up. Maybe I do need fewer hookups. I barely have time for the rest of my life without spending the night elsewhere during the week.

My horoscope had this to say this morning, "Any romantic involvements you currently have will have an intensity right now that can either be positive or negative." So it seems like at three of my involvements have intensified. The jury's still out on whether this a good thing or a bad one.

And just in case you were wondering, nope, haven't gone over to anyone's house. Although I'm tempted, this week is just a little too busy. So far ...

The RN: Turning the Page

So, we're right at one year since this whole crazy book club started. I think I am in a totally different place than I was when we started this. It seems like a year isn't very long to have changed from scared of dating to ... bored? with dating. From this:

To this:

In just one short year, I'm on a totally different page. I have to admit I am no longer scared of dating, but I do still seem to have an issue with being able to get out of the "relationship" when I want :(

Although my attitude has changed quite a bit, and I have moved on to a completely different page, I still think I might be bad at dating. I still have reservations about getting into things and I still worry too much about disappointing the guys when they want something different than I do. I think I might still have some issues to work through. Although I'm doing much better than I was last year.

This year the anniversary of breaking up with The Ex went by before I had even noticed. The Ex and I are actually still friends and were teasing each other about it:

The RN: Hey! Why didn't you text me Happy Birthday [the other day]?
The Ex: Happy belated anniversary
And Birthday
The RN: Lol, okay you're forgiven.
...
The RN: But only because that was an AWESOME response.
The first one.

Incase you were wondering our anniversary and my birthday were one day apart. This year I wasn't upset about how long we had been broken up, I wan't upset it would have been 15 years, and I wasn't upset by turning 35 (dang still sounds old).

So ... Gems started talking to me again this week. So far nothing major just some chit chat, but I have decided, while I don't mind talking to him, I'm not "going out" with him again. Or whatever the hell it is we were doing where he thought he should get laid, but wouldn't call it a date.

I am coming to a place where I'm ready to turn the page on dating. I'm not ready for anything serious, but I think I'm also done with the hook-up stage. Not that I'm ditching my current hook-ups, but I think I'm looking for something more than: "Hey, whatcha up to tonight?"

A year later and I'm still ... starting at single.